Anyone who knows me knows I am a dog with a bone. It is what makes me a good lawyer and why I was drawn to the profession in the first place. When there is a problem, I’m unwilling to slow down or let go until I fix it, until I figure it out.
No matter what the challenge, whether it’s a difficult legal issue or trying to get my 3-year-old to give a hoot about consequences and rule following, I go all in. I research. I seek the counsel of others. I try different approaches. I don’t stop.
Weight loss and my overall health have been the challenges I can’t simply will to be something else, that my perseverance, stubbornness and intensity can’t steamroll.
I’ve had to unlearn the “you just need to workout harder and eat less” mentality with which we’ve been indoctrinated. I’ve had to learn that it’s what I eat and when I eat that are important. That sounds simple enough, but the “what” I should be eating has been evolving for 10 years so far.
First, it was to go gluten-free. Several years later, my doctor found about 10 foods to which I was moderately sensitive. I was to avoid them, along with gluten. Eventually, my doctor suggested I also cut out other major allergens- dairy, soy, and corn.
When I did the autoimmune protocol diet (“AIP”), an elimination diet recommended for managing autoimmune conditions, I also eliminated nuts, eggs and caffeine. There I was, gluten, dairy, soy, corn, nuts, eggs, and caffeine free (and curled up in fetal position crying because, “there was literally NOTHING I could eat”). From there, I loosely did some version of AIP, trying to mainly eat real, unprocessed foods.
More recently, I did a candida cleanse, which allowed nuts, except for peanuts, and some dairy and focused on eliminating nearly all sugar, other than a bit from berries. A candida cleanse, along with proper supplements, starves and kills an overgrowth of yeast in the gut, a common condition leading to a host of health issues, including some autoimmune conditions.
Everything was going along swimmingly until a series of really tough personal events happened over the last month. Do you ever feel like you’re just getting pummeled? One wave after another? I found myself there, and then with a glass of red wine in bed crying. That one glass of wine, the forbidden fruit on my cleanse, was my undoing. I had failed. It was done.
I knew I had to compartmentalize, deal with what needed dealing, and prioritize my health when I could. Anyone who has done a restrictive diet knows just how mentally consuming it is. I didn’t have the bandwidth for it. So, I put it aside and did the work that needed doing first. I even made myself stop working on this blog and my recipes for a bit. Those things simply weren’t as important. I got through it all enough to feel, just today, like I can start getting things back in order.
I get what it looks like from the outside. “There goes Sarah on some fad diet. How long before she’s onto the next one?” And then, “There went Sarah. Failed again.” People close to me have called my dietary choices over the years crash diets and yo-yo diets. But, here’s what I know.
I will never give up. Not. Ever. I will keep working at this thing until my skin is clear, my thyroid pumping along normally and I am packed full of energy, sleeping well, managing life’s stress and anxiety well, and a healthy weight. I will keep trying, “failing,” and trying again.
We have to keep trying, no matter what life throws at us, because what’s the alternative? For me, my psoriasis would continue to flare and I’d be overweight and sluggish, sleep-deprived and miserable. I can’t accept that. I won’t.
And no matter what any outsider might think, I’m managing a thyroid condition and psoriasis without medication. My thyroid is no longer enlarged and my numbers are within normal range. While the idea of “what” I should be eating has changed and evolved on this journey, I am making progress. I am healing myself.
So, tonight, I wrote this post. I signed up for a health program through my health insurance to jumpstart things again. I meal-planned for the week. I made a healthy grocery list. I took a deep breath and thought, “You got this.”
And so do you. Keep going. If you’ve stumbled recently, get back up when you can, dust yourself off, and regroup. You’re not a failure as long as you refuse to quit.
Honey and Ghee 